To be honest, I really don't know what to say, where to even start talking. Everything feels wrong, my whole world is crashing down and I'm passively letting it go. I'm not even sure any more whether I care. 

I think about my life and I wonder if beauty is really worth it. I'm giving everything up, my friends, my life, the unpredictability of life. I've traded everything in for hunger, and hunger can only be done alone. It's not something to share. 

I hate food, and eating it makes me feel terrible and guilty, and worthless, so utterly worthless. But is this all about self-worth really? Or is it about my mother, telling me she doesn't believe in me, telling me I'll never lose weight? Those words are still engraved under my skin, and they are pushing me to go further with this, to keep starving just so she can be wrong and sorry. 

And to top it all off, here's another paper, another failing class. I am so exhausted of seeing these disappointing numbers, numbers seem to be letting me down all around. The scales makes them too high, the papers scream too low. I can't seem to get anything right. And I am so tired of being such a huge disappointment to myself. I don't remember the last time things felt right.