The last two days have been weird. I don't know what's happening to me but it's like I'm grasping my friend being here as an opportunity to eat, it's a weak and lame excuse for failure. I had a chicken club sandwich today, after having eaten nothing all day, and I don't even know why. I felt okay while eating it, but after, I had this terrible after taste, I just hated everything about it. I don't know why I'm even doing this, there was really no need to eat. My friend is so clueless and innocent that I don't think she'd even notice if I'd eat nothing all weekend. So why am I not seizing the opportunity? Why am I taking steps away from fragile, as opposed to towards? I need to stop this, I promised myself that I will get on that plane tiny, fragile and thin, I will make sure my mother doesn't recognize me when she see's me at the airport. And if I fail at this I will fail at everything else. I need this more than anything, for her to see me fragile, for her to realize that she was wrong, for her to take back those words about not believing in me.

No more food and bullshit, I need to feel like I'm making progress or I can't feel anything at all. I want to be fragile more than anything. And no sandwich is every worth the failure. I need this, and I'll fight for it with everything that's left of me. I can't be this big disgusting person anymore, I hate that person, that girl isn't me, she's a weak and pathetic substitute and I need to be beautiful.

I swear to not eat anymore, unless it is absolutely necessary, and in such a case eat the smallest and healthiest thing possible.