I hate being at home. I hate the silence, the alone factor, the easiness to eat, the lack of needing to lie.

Today was sort of a beautiful day. I met my friend who I hadn't seen since summer. One of the first things he said to me was 'Do you ever eat anymore? You look so much skinnier.' Nothing can sound better to my ears. As we were saying goodbye he kissed me on the forehead, making me feel small, fragile. It's wonderful, it's all I long to be. Petite, helpless, tiny. As we were saying goodbye he told me I look beautiful, and jokingly added 'stay skinny'. If he had any idea of just how far I'm willing to go to stay skinny. Except I'm not skinny at all, I'm smaller than I was this summer, but that doesn't mean that I'm there yet. By the time I see him again I want to be almost invisible.

I came home and I ate. I don't know why, I thought it would be easy to not keep it down, and it would distract me or something. But I couldn't get it up,that happens sometimes. And it's killing me. But I'm trying to let it go. When not eating is a lifestyle, one day of slipping up isn't going to destroy you. Tomorrow's monday, my best day in terms of food. 0 food, 0 calories. I stay out all day and come home as late as possible. I hate being at home.

I have so much work for tomorrow so I guess I won't be getting any sleep tonight. This whole week is going to be a moving disaster. But maybe, at least, I will be smaller by the end of it. That will make the time worth it.  Becoming smaller makes everything worth it.