This morning I woke up weighing less than I did yesterday, although I ate something last night, and that's all that matters. That's what defines the day. Whether I am going to be cheerful and optimistic, or whether I'm going to pretend to be cheerful and optimistic. I have to go meet a friend in a little while who's in town for the day, but I'm little worried because we're meeting around lunchtime. He better not expect me to have lunch with him. AAAAND disaster averted. He just called, he's having lunch right now, so I said I'll meet him straight after for coffee. This whole 'not eating' thing is becoming easier by the day.

As I was high last night I was thinking a lot. That's what weed does to me, it makes me notice things and I become so alert. I started noticing how all my thoughts applied completely to those of an eating disordered. I noticed that the letters ED always stand out, in whatever context. I noticed that I often don't realize that what I mean by 'I'm full' is not what other people mean. To me full has come actually stuffed, sick, in pain from the food inside me. For others it's that full feeling, the one I used to get before I got this. And sometimes I forget, I hear people say 'I'm starving' and I automatically think 'me too, how long have you been doing this for?' and then I remember, they're just hungry, and in 10 minutes they'll eat.

I think some of my friends are a bit suspicious. One girl noticed the scars on my hand, the cigarette burns which I was stupid enough to make in such a visible place. I told her that I accidentally scratched myself, I hoped that the burns could come out as scars to her. But she told me she doesn't believe me, and now when I see her she brings it up. The last time I saw her a few days ago, as she was saying bye, she pointed to my arm and said 'don't do that again, call me instead'. But do you really mean that? How do you expect that to happen? 'Hi S, I'm feeling shit, I hate myself and I hate my life, and the pain is unbearable, so I need to take it elsewhere. I need to burn a hole in my skin so the one inside my chest doesn't scream as loud. Can you help me? Can you find another way to fix that whole?' Of course not.

In fact, I notice that everything people say brings me back to these thoughts. This random french boy told me yesterday how my accent is cute, and how french guys are crazy about accents. As I stood in front of my toilet last night, I wondered, 'Are they also crazy about this? About disorders and self-hate and throwing up? Would you still find me attractive if you saw the real me?'. The answer doesn't keep you waiting.

My best friend in fact, who's feeling stressed lately, told me the other day how she's been eating a lot, the other day in fact she ate so much that she felt sick and nauseas. She said she's worried she has an eating disorder. It made me angry. It's crazy but a part of me thought 'This is mine, and that means you can't have it', and another part of me questioned how can she throw those words around so easily. Because it's not just about a few days of overeating under stress, and then going back to being your perfect self, it's in your HEAD. It's always in your head. It turns into your lifestyle.How could she not know that? I'm careful with my answers though, I feel like I already come off as knowing too much when such conversations start. I worry that people will start wondering why I know everything I'm telling them.