This morning I am in pain from the hunger. Last night the pain was so strong I couldn't sleep, that never happened to me before. The hunger was almost sickening, it still is. I lay in bed fantasizing about hamburgers, and chips, and jars of nutella, thank god all the stores were already shut. I don't keep food in the house so the night is the safest time. A voice in my head was convincing me to go to mc donald's today, to get food, to eat it, to fall for the temptation. But I woke up and stood on the scales. I feel weak, and nauseous from the hunger, and my stomach actually feels in pain, but the scale said 61.4kg (135.4), and that means I am so close to being out of the 60s. I am to scared to cause a setback now.

I feel almost like a child, I want to call someone and complain about my pain, but I can't. I sometimes forget how most the things I'm feeling are actually taboo. You can't call someone up and say you haven't eaten in days, or that every time you stand, your head goes dizzy and you almost spin, or that you want to cry because you're so hungry. they wouldn't understand. they'd tell me to eat, but eating is a very complicated concept to me, and i don't think that anybody understands that. to me food isn't food, it's calories, it's little monsters inside of me that multiply my fat, preventing me from ever being happy. I fly home in 5 days. my mother has always silently judged me every time i ate. i see her eyes, the ugly thoughts shoot out of them, as i pick up something and put it in my mouth. she has always judged me. look at me now mother, are you proud of me yet? is this little enough for you? i don't know if i can move from bed today, i feel like i could collapse from too much movement. pain, please go away. i need this so much.

what's funny is that i don't even like mc donald's.